Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
