Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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