i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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