I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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