Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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