My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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