my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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