Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
