my phone needs a breathalizer
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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