True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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