You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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