I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
