Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
