1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
