i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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