Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
