Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
