I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
