I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
there's paper in my vomit.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
