a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
