Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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