We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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