i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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