Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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