my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
