Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
