True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Panties = found
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
