his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
