So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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