Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
