I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
