i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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