After last night, I could never be a politician.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
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I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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