I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
