That's intense
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
