the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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