Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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