Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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