im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
