i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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