she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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