my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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