Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
