is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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