LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
