Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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