i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
tell me about the fingering
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