I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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