I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Enjoy the penises
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
