I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
