Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
