I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
