I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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