My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
