Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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