when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
